The Skunk – Or How To Waste Way Too Many Days, Way Too Much Money And Do EVERYTHING Wrong (Part Catorce)

I think I need to change the title… The more this thing goes on, the more I realize this is going to be at least $1000 when all is said and done.  Oh look… I did!  And I added a little U2 reference in there… I mean, this IS a music blog…

Okay… at this point many of you are asking, Dude, why have you not just called the professionals and been done with this mess… and this mini-novella???

Well… first off, was waiting for insurance.  They said it needs to be at least $2500 to make it worth your while in filing a claim because you’ll lose the “No Claim” discount.  I say, oh, so that is the “legal” way of raising your rates… Yup.

Second, if it is an animal, which yes, a skunk is, we are not covered anyway.  All right!  Yessssss!

The other issue is that there seems to be some concern with the Ozone that ServPro uses… We don’t want the place to permanently smell like a doctor’s office, either… which apparently it will.  And my buddy Rob said that when a friend used it to get smoke out of a car he was buying from a smoker, the Ozone smell was WORSE than the smoke…

But with each passing day we are getting closer to taking that chance.  Just when we think the odor is gone, it pulls us back in.  ServPro guarantees the odor will be gone… The guy at Coit, who wanted $500 just to clean the rugs and couch, by the way, does not guarantee it… Probably… but not definitely… So yeah, my house may permanently smell like the folks in the cheap seats at the Cheech and Chong show this summer…

NIGHT 3 (Tuesday Night)
If there was a cave nearby I would run into it… Seriously… nature has been kicking my ass… So let me go join it… loin cloth… club… cave…

I decide to go over to see my buddy Rob… say Happy B-Day in person… I walk out the front door… breathe in… Son of a bitch!  Skunk!!!  The damn skunk is somewhere outside.  I run back inside… shut everything up… Get in the car.  My eyes are red… my fingers clutch the steering wheel so hard they begin to lose blood… I swear if I see this creature on the road I will hunt it down with my automobile… run it over on a neighbor’s lawn if I have to… Why would G-d make such a heinous creature?

Okay, relax… I am sure I could not actually kill it… but I am debating hiring someone to trap it.  And there are folks that set them free… elsewhere… so they don’t come back… I have a few calls in.  One guy asks me where I live… and kind of laughs when I tell him…

He says I won’t take your money… You have way too much wildlife there… You trap one, there’ll be fifty more.  I like the honesty, but AAAGGGHHH!!!  He suggests making the yard a place where no critters will want to come… recommends a Scarecrow Sprinkler… of course no one local has it.  It is a motion sensor that goes off when the critters come around… and most don’t like getting sprayed… $50-70.

There is also the Nite Guard which neighbors swear by… It is solar… charges by day and emits a flashing red light at night that is supposed to look like the eyes of a scary critter and scare skunks, raccoons and rabbits… but I love one of the way too many 1-Star revies on Amazon, which says “A momma raccoon and her three babies used this thing as a sort of disco light…”

I walk in to Rob’s… He says it’s not terrible, but he does smell a little sumthin’.  Great!  After multiple showers, hand washings, hands and arms covered in hydrogen peroxide… it is still lingering on me…

I come home and cuddle up in the empty bed… all sheets are off… the comforter is all scrunched up in the middle… I use the blanket to cover the pillows, since the cases are outside unwashed…

Oh yeah… I forgot to tell you this… It just keeps getting better… After the second load yesterday, I noticed things were coming out of the dryer smelling like… what is that called?  Oh yeah… M–her F–k–g Skunk!

So I keep spraying Febreeze and the enzyme stuff.  But last night, I opened the side garage door, right by the vent… and BOOM!  Heavy duty skunk… Like he died there… or rolled around there or something… Or maybe was just having a mocking Skunk Party.  It was overwhelming… and obviously the air getting sucked into the dryer now has THAT quality.

Kill
Me
Now.

And OF COURSE the uncased pillows I slept on ALL NOW SMELL OF SKUNK… and the tags I did not remove for fear of the law and prosecution… inform me that I CANNOT wash the pillows… and CANNOT dry clean the pillows…

But I guess I can THROW AWAY the pillows… Ka Ching!

Maybe I’ll cut the damn tags off first!

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Filed under Life... Plain and Not So Simple, Marc's Mixed Bag - A Little Of Everything

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