The Skunk – Or How To Waste Three Days, Over $300 And Do EVERYTHING Wrong (Part Pepe Le Deux)

Night 1 slowly leads into Morning 2… and yes, I know it is grammatically correct to spell numbers under ten out.  But bite me, Strunk!  White, too.

My eyes are tearing… so are my dog’s… I cannot sleep.  I try to hide under the sheets and use them as a mask, but by now they are reeking, too.

J is asleep next to me.

I toss and turn… back is starting to go out because of all the bathing and bending and frantic running around.  Thinking life kind of sucks at this point.  Welcome to Hell.

The odor is now overwhelming… I get up at around 3AM to put the pooch in the tub again… Still don’t know what the hell I am doing… Did I read all the articles friends sent?  I think I did… I cannot recall… I am lost in the haze… Stuck in the weeds…

DAY 2 (Monday)
I drive my daughter to the bus… kind of thinking we both smell like skunk.  But at this point I don’t know what end is up, or which is stinky.

Of course my cousin sticks her head in the car and lets me know I smell.  All right!!!  Now my kid is on her way to school… an hour away… smelling like a skunk.  That will go over well.

Calls to the Vet inform me that they suggest a tomato juice bath, as it is the safest, and if the dog eats it, it’s fine.  My dog will eat it… My dog eats all of her shampoos and conditioners… So heck, she’ll go to town on real “food”.

The Vet’s office tells me to wipe it on and let it dry and cake on the pooch… sit for a while… and then hose her down.  Kind of like a Bozie Rolletini… Did not do that, of course, in previous baths #467 and 468…

She also suggests a simple saline solution or tear replacement drops… NOT VISINE… to help with the watering eyes.

Sure enough, a few hours later the kid starts frantically texting and e-mailing, telling me that she does not feel well… says she stinks… Ah, what’s an hour drive to get her… I stop cleaning… and actually the break and a chance to be on the outside is all right.

We stop at Target on the way home… drop over a Franklin on Air Wick, Febreeze and the ingredients for the Hydrogen Peroxide bath everyone swears by.

She proceeds to tell me that the Middle School girls all said, “Ew, something smells like skunk…”

And all the Upper Schoolers said, “Something smells like weed.”  Nice.

I asked her if she knew what weed smelled like.  She said, no.  Good.  Then again, she clearly has not smelled me after at least 83% of my concerts.  I now also realize that I hate “skunk weed” even more.  Just get the good stuff, people.  Come on.  It will be legalized soon enough.

She goes into her room, puts on her earplugs and suddenly is not as nice to me as when she needed me to pick her up.  Ah, teenage girls… But that is a story for another time.  A long, sad, frustrating tale in which our hero is defenseless against the mighty Kryptonite-like power of a teenage daughter.

NIGHT 2 (Monday Night)
More like late afternoon 2…

I realized the eye drops I had in the house are too human and won’t work… I dash out to Rite Aid… I asked the kid what she wants to eat… “I don’t know.”

You get that a lot… at least I do…

That doesn’t help me… but that is her only reply.

I’m feeling like crap… so yeah, I should just punish myself even more…  a craving to do something really bad to my body overtakes me.  I need comfort food, but something really awful for me.  Hell, I  haven’t been feeling well, so I need some beef with some antibiotics in it.  I know… Believe me, I know… this is coming from the Organic and Grass Fed only guy.  In our neck of the woods, culinary vices come easy… McDonald’s, Carl’s Jr., Taco Bell, Jack In The Box… two of each of those last ones, too… we are bookended…

I have not been in a Burger King in… wow… 7-8 years… maybe more… But I had to do it… The Whopper was my all-time favorite thing as a kid… The sign off the freeway calls to me like a Siren calls a sailor on the ocean…

Yes, commercials work… and all I could think was, two Whoppers for $5.  Easy.  I ain’t getting two Whoppers.  But man…

I race to the Drive-In… I order… nothing else… no fries… no drink… And I even try to be healthy, ordering it with ketchup only… no mayo.  I hand over almost $4… Really?  I drive off and rip into the bag and the wrapper, doing another thing you should NOT do… eat and drive… Sorry, Oprah.  The first bite is so good… but where is the lettuce… the tomatoes… the pickles… those spicy onions that stay with you for days… This is a plain burger!  Really?  REALLY???  You’re gonna do this to me now?  Add this onto my shit pile?

I pull over… grab the receipt and call… Luckily I am not that far away, yet half way through this plain burger…

I race back… I’m the only one there… they apologize… She thought I wanted ketchup only… How is THAT a Whopper… They’re very nice… very apologetic… They make me a new sandwich… give me a free Iced Tea… and I am off again… Ripping and pulling , before I get out of the driveway… bits of lettuce falling in my lap… Kind of pathetic… but kind of cave man… Appropriate…

The reason they call it fast food is not just because you order it and get it fast, but because you scarf it down, so as not to feel as guilty… Though sure enough… like within 5-10 minutes, I always feel guilty… and bad… ALWAYS… And of course, I question myself and my decision… Why?  WHY???!!!

But man, this is so good going down… though the onions do not have that kick I remember… the kick I wanted and needed…

And yes, of course I finish the other one.  I mean, I DID take off half the bun, but still… I grew up learning not to waste food, which is a good AND bad thing.  Good with carrots and veggies… bad with other stuff.  There really is no reason to clean your plate, unless it is in the sink and you have a temperamental dish washer… We do.

So there you go… I’m back home… Battle Zone central… But sated with two Whoppers… Ready to fight the stink some more… But then…

What the hell did I just do?


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Filed under Life... Plain and Not So Simple, Marc's Mixed Bag - A Little Of Everything, Ramblings and Musings - The Really Random Stuff

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