The Skunk – Or How To Waste Three Days, Over $300 And Do EVERYTHING Wrong (Part 1)

Sorry folks… aside from listening to the new McCartney last night… a much-needed respite… and perhaps playing some Doobies… I said PLAYING… so I can let Jeff “Skunk” Baxter fill the house, too… my days and nights are filled with battling this noxious odor.  If I seem overly dramatic… like in my saying that I have now seen hell and this is it… just let me have my moment.  I watch the news… I am all too aware of the horrors in the world, and I know this is simply a nuisance… a hellish, nightmarish, worst smell ever and all over everything nuisance… but far better than many other things others have to endure.  At least I get a few blog posts out of it… and lessons to share with all of you.

Ah, the old cartoons with Pepe Le Pew seem so idyllic and glorious right about now.  Sure he was a nuisance, but he had a certain charm… a pizzazz… a je ne sais quoi…

If I was to meet him now, I would have Wildlife Control out faster than you can say “Mon Cheri…”

I used to love nature and all her little critters… Now I am ready to buy a lawn chair, a gun and a piece of straw to chew on, while I go all Carl Spackler on them.

So yeah… I live in a place where nature runs wild.  I WISH I was Grizzly Adams… Though I do have a 5-day beard…  It’s just not that exciting.

Many holes in the fence, at the top of the back hill allow in grass destroying, killer rabbits… Caddyshack-esque, yard-decimating, make holes big enough for an ankle to fall-in-and-twist gophers, ridiculous, tunnel-making, bastard moles, frightening and hungry coyotes, hawks, huge screeching owls, sod rolling, bandit raccoons and skunks.  Oh, stinky, stupid, make my last few days totally suck, skunks.

This skunk is an idiot.  I have seen him get trapped on the side yard several times… It’s able to get in, but somehow too dumb to find his way out.  It was cute in a way, even though the last time it happened my friend and I, who were sitting outside, ran in like two frightened school girls…or boys… don’t want to be sexist…

Given that almost all of the nature that lives in the backyard could injure or take my dog, I always go out with her and check around, especially in the nighttime.  Well, Sunday night I was trying to do too many things at once… so I didn’t.

AAGGHH!

NIGHT ONE (Sunday)
My dog is so sweet, she barely even barks or whines when in distress… I was right in the kitchen and after a few minutes, called her back in.  She trotted through the door as if nothing happened…

One, two… Holy shit!!!  At first I thought she had gotten into some chemicals that may have been out since the kitchen sink just leaked, rotting through the wood drawer and the wood bottom… Yes, it’s been a banner week…

I grabbed her, and like an idiot stuck my nose right on her back.  I don’t know!!!  I just said I was an IDIOT!  I still don’t know why I did that.  As the kids would say… or I guess text… OMG!

I guess I was trying to see if I could figure out what potentially poisonous chemical it was so I could ingest some, too… and rush her to the hospital.

And yeah, that scent won’t linger in my nostrils for days… It was like being maced… in my nose.  And no, I have never been maced… I am a good boy, but I am hypothesizing… so there.

I put her back down… just long enough for her to run from room to room, rubbing herself on the carpet… jumping on the bed… contaminating as much space as she could before I grabbed her again and got her in the tub.

Mistake #1… They say to keep the dog outside.  Now, my dog is 8-pounds… Neighbors dogs have been taken by owls… hawks… coyotes, etc… So I cannot leave my dog outside.  BUT I should have bathed her outside… for at least the initial one.

Mistake #2… Skunks spray an oil.  When it dries it is even harder to get out.  Drying it off with paper towel at first is key… THEN wetting it with whatever solution you are going to use… That will come up later.  Whatever you do… DO NOT LET THE DOG RUN AROUND AND RUB HER EYES AND BODY ON EVERYTHING… Picture me as Homer Simpson screaming… DOH!!!

This whole thing is a nightmare… including my reactionary skills.  I guess I should have stuck with the Boy Scouts… Like any good, botched operation, I now have a wonderful story to tell and some lessons to share.  But man, I really, really, really wish I didn’t.  When life gives you skunks, make skunk-e-nade… or a coat… or a pie… sorry, PETA… I am totally kidding…

The smell is staggering.  Not actually like the way you smell a skunk just out and about.  That I would take in a heartbeat.  I would bathe in that smell.  This is… well… imagine an electrical fire with burning tar, oil and plastic along with expired cleaning supplies and chemicals… then kick that up a notch.  Add whatever horrible, noxious odor you can think of…

If bottled, this could be a weapon.  Can anyone say Goosey Night???  (Jersey thing…)

Finally got her in the tub.  Had J babysit while I ran to the market for huge ass cans of tomato juice.  Damn, I could have had a V8!

Several baths later, the stench was so bad I could not fall asleep…even with the fans on and windows open… Which I guess is also a mistake.

Mistake #3… CLOSE ALL WINDOWS UNTIL SKUNK’S SCENT IS TRULY GONE FROM YOUR YARD AND OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE.

Shhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiittttttttt!

Join us tomorrow for another, thrilling and excting installment of… That’s My Skunk!  Same stinky time… same stinky channel…

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Filed under Life... Plain and Not So Simple, Marc's Mixed Bag - A Little Of Everything

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