Wow, it has been a long time since I have been here my friends. Sorry.
Let’s get re-aquainted with a few lessons I’ve learned.
First, if you lie about steroid use for a decade and then admit it when it benefits you to do so (i.e. a new job in baseball)… you are praised for your honesty and openness!
With that said, I would like to get something off my chest… To all the casting directors who have hired me over the years, for my muscle and brawn… Sorry… I was on HGH and steroids… Big time… The love handles, kegs and general softness I now carry are all me… the six-pack and ripped guns… a charade. The pressures from the main office and trying to keep up with Matthew McConaughey were exhausting… and put way too much pressure on me to perform.
Also, for anyone who ever hired me for my sense of humor… I was totally shooting up the Marx Brothers with an Abbot and Costello chaser. Sorry.
Now come on Sammy… oh you with the bleached skin and the little Sammy… It’s your turn… Shock us with your admission… And we will be shocked… and awed…
Second, in order to sleep with 13,000 women, as NU alum Warren Beatty supposedly has, it would require you to cover two a day, every single day, for about 18 years. Obviously orgies would speed this process up greatly… But I am not sure how many of those have contributed to the final tally. After looking at that time-table, I have decided to check this one off my list. One hates to see dreams die… but… sometimes we must just let go.
Third, as you grow older hair stops growing out of your head, where you actually want it, and starts growing in strange places on your back… like on one side in the middle… and off your ear lobes…
I can either accept this… which I can’t… or I need to try waxing. Plucking is too laborious and painful, and this morning, shaving the lobes resulted in my almost Van Gogh”ing” myself! Or is that Van Gaaaaccccccking myself?
Fourth, I could and perhaps should be running NBC. I love Conan, but as soon as they took Jay off the air… the number one guy in the spot… I knew they were doomed… and even said so at the time. If it ain’t broke… play a round of golf. Then the move to 10 pm… Aside from losing five hours of potential work each week, I also called that as being a disaster in the making. I guess at this point, mix me a little Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel in a high ball, roll me a fat one stuffed with Colbert and Stewart and crank me back in the Lazy Boy.
Fifth, I am a Democrat and have always disliked Harry Reid… When the party needed balls, this guy pulled out his bee-bees. But to hear his comments and even Bill Clinton’s… whose I actually did not think were racist, just arrogant and cocky, made me realize that we need to take all of our politicians… or most of them… dump them on an island and start again… no parties… no bullshit… just people who want to actually fix the problems of this country and not simply pass them on for the next guy.
And that is what I have learned today!