In movies and TV shows a mid-life crisis is usually indulged with the purchase of a new, high end sports car and/or an extra-marital affair.
I have no money and I do not know how my wife would take the latter part of that sentence… although Big Love has given me an interesting, new perspective… I have missed a good part of this season and season’s past, but the show is fascinating and the look, the deep look at multiple and simultaneous marriage is provocative and mind tingling. Hmmm…
Perhaps there is a weekend of binge drinking or a variety of illegal narcotics… or perhaps it goes beyond a weekend.
I like my booze, but not to the point of vomit… and getting drunk holds little appeal. As far as drugs, I am well aware that I would be the one case to go rob a bank or streak naked through a church, so I restrain. And pot, which I do believe should be legal, relaxes me… but usually to the point of immediate sleep. I literally laugh… ha ha ha… and then I’m out.
My drug of choice is Valium, but I am completely dysfunctional on it. It makes my whole body numb… numb is good… and warm and heavy… which is nice… but other than lying in bed and enjoying that weight… I am incapable of moving or doing anything else.
I will never forget a card from my friends Ron and Mary, I think it was for our engagement… that had one Valium in the middle of a heart. Classic! I think I kept the card with the pill still attached. Damn, where is that now???!!!
(The Comfortably Numb blog is coming… a more in depth realization of the allure of drugs… or at least people’s desires to go numb.)
Anyway… so the above descriptions is the media’s distorted and Hollywood”ized” version of the mid-life crisis.
In my mind, it is bit less glamorous… although the ramifications have yet to fully present themselves.
Now, if you pay attention to this blog, you know I have self determined to live until I am 99… sadly passing on the eve of my 100th birthday… It just sounded good… and right…
So therefore, I am not actually at the mid-point of life… if my plan plays itself out. I am, however, at the proverbial crossroads… and it is filled with uncertainty with my path towards the future… and an intense and numbing sadness at dreams unfulfilled.
The chances of having an actual career as an actor seem slim, and while I never wanted to be a star, the notion of being a working actor is harder to achieve then ever before. If you want to discuss the issues facing SAG and the “middle class” actor, let me know and I’ll fill you in. It’s ugly.
All I wanted was to entertain and make a living… albeit a very nice living… as an artist… actor… writer… producer… what have you. It will never completely leave my being, but it is being put on hold. Luckily, I can always write… and this blog is a good way of making me sit my ass down on an almost daily basis… but my issue with writing is always on the focus and the finish. I have 100 great ideas and maybe two-three finished! Not good.
So… my sort of mid-life crisis is filled with frustration and confusion and the overwhelming idea that it is too late for me to make a difference in the world… I know this is bullshit, but there are days when I think it’s all downhill from here… Of course, being out of shape and overweight does not help… Remember Will Fit called me obese… I am trying. I was at the gym this morning… will hopefully be back there tomorrow… and will do Pilates on Friday…
Now if I could just stop eating fifty “small” meals a day…
PS – Why is the spell checker telling me “with” is not a word???