When I decided to stop bothering my friends with e-mails and start blogging, I immediately bothered all my friends to solicit their opinions on names for the blog.
Most of the responses were, just pick one and start blogging, you big procrastinator. Well, okay, they were a little more colorful than that, but…
One that everyone seemed to like was “Bitter, Party of One.”
Now, while I love this little expression, I did not make it up. And to be honest, as much as some would disagree, I am not bitter all the time. The reason I did not pick it, is that I did not want this blog to be some Andy Rooney, curmudgeonly rant… Ooops.
Anyway… because so many folks positively responded to the name, I felt it was important to confront my own bitterness and explore it.
I am an under-employed actor and writer, and that right there is automatic cause for bitterness!
Unless you are working every day in this crappy town (Anger issue) you are going to be bitter and unhappy.
And I think the main reason for this is that I and perhaps artists in general, define ourselves by our careers. People like to say that their job is something they do, not who they are… but as an artist, this is most often not the case. Our art is who we are. It is a direct output of this.
And as much as we can do community theatre and plays and take classes and stay active honing our craft, if we are not making a living, most people, especially ourselves do not define ourselves as “actor” or “writer” or “artist,” but as failure.
All the self help gurus and positive thinkers just threw down their copies of The Secret and are going to finally start commenting that it is my negativity that is preventing me from working. Or as Tony Robbins would so wisely say (read incredible sarcasm) it is my fear of success that is holding me back.
I actually tried to do the Tony Robbins program… even though the man has only become successful by teaching people how to become successful. Sign me up for that. That’s a good gig. I tell people to do all the things that I have never done, but will start doing. They pay me money and I become successful, so I keep going. Nice.
Anyway, I got through a bunch of things… and even though all his material comes from other people, it was pretty good for a while… until he told me that my failures were a direct result of my fear of success, my fear of money.
Okay, I have no fear of money. I have no fear of success. In fact, I dream of being able to retire my wife and take care of all my friends and family. I want to be stinking rich and successful, because with money comes freedom. Not power, but freedom is what I crave. Freedom to create on my own terms, freedom to travel, freedom to give and donate and take care of.
So once those words fell from Tony’s mouth, he fell from grace with me.
I absolutely agree that what you put out into the universe is what you get back. Believe me, I hate being angry guy… bitter guy… I miss being happy, care free guy… and when I really think about it, I try hard to not let those thoughts play in my brain. If I have to choose who I want to hang out with, it is always the ones laughing and having a good time. I want to be one of those guys. I do… But I’ll tell ya… it ain’t easy. In this town especially, it ain’t easy.
To Be Continued…